Dear Diary,

Consumed by wanderlust  " a strong desire to travel " 

The desire for wandering, most times in search for new enriching experiences that move, change or enlighten ourselves. Gravitating towards travel as a means for a better understanding of ones own existence, travel being an enamoured mentor on life. 

I set out on this four month journey out of liberation.

As many in life do, I took on travel as a marker for change in life.

I wasn't only going to see sights of the world, but become a better person for it, a changed person, the person I wanted to be.

I've chased adventure and dreams to different corners of the world, trying to become something more, something along the lines of a surfing, worldy, Spanish speaking traveller, who retained all the information she had learnt to blog famously about it to captivated audiences. 

So that didn't happen. As I've known all along, I'm coming back exactly the same if not a little bit more lost and a lot more broke. I did start ventures with all the passion in my heart, from wanting to become a Buddhist monk in Cambodia, a safari guide in Tanzania, a Rastafarian pirate in Belize, a surfer in hawaii, even a bar playing ukelele band member in Mexico. 

But I'm a quitter and not that great with putting in the hard yards of committment, I'm a slow learner who thinks about things to logically, who quietly is always shitting her pants when it's not sticking and largely overall a procrastinator. And this is as to why my skill set may be lacking. I quit while I'm ahead, or quit before I've even begun. Scared to do what it took to become that person envisaged, scared of what people thought of me, scared to do it alone, scared to go out of my comfort zone. Scared that if I took one path the other option wouldn't be an option anymore, but mainly scared of failure. 

I'm scared to suck at something that I hardly give it a try to begin with. I've always known what I wanted but I was scared to get it for myself and hoped this trip would force me into getting there instead. I assumed buying a plane ticket would be the answer, it would put my on the path to the life of adventure I long for.

I had too high an expectation, like finding the city of Atlantis high of an expectation. Instead of sweeping me off my feet onto a journey that would mould me into someone different, the kind Peter Jackson would turn into a movie and Mila Kunis would play me in the lead role kind of journey, I'm remorseful I'm not coming home with nothing more than a suitcase full of souvenirs. Saddened I'm blessed with such an opportunity coming home with nothing more than a suitcase of souvenirs.

Instead of being delivering worldly fulfilment on a silver platter, the travel gods showed me what is out there and possible in this world, but that it doesn't come easy. And it shouldn't. 

 I've realised it takes hard work and focus. As stupidly obvious as that sounds, you will have to miss out on certain things to get what you really want in the end, whether it be socially, in love, in work, in quality of life or in sleep. There will always be something on the list, you can't do it all, at least not at the same time. It takes time, years of time. I am not the grand design of God and will make mistakes, I will fail, I will eat dirt.

As much as we may know what we want the human experience is complex, even in the search for happiness and fulfilment. We get caught up in the small things, we can't help but feel a certain comfort in our short comings, hold onto the bullies and traumas of our past and come up with excuses, find comfort in what we know are sure things in life

Nothing inspires me more than traveling, being a part of new places, the distance that makes you value what you've left behind, wanting to help others, societies and cultures that show you new beauty in the world through their eyes, stories and lives that make you appreciate all you have and push you to make the most of what the world offers. 

The travel bug is not infectious just because of what you see, do and take photos of, it's because of the learning experience it offers, especially of yourself. They say everyone has their own way of learning, and mines through the classroom of travel. I'm still refining what I want out of life, indecisive in the plethora of options available. I still think travel is a big part to the answer I seek. 

But what I've learnt this time round is if you don't start with one journey you'll end up without a journey at all. It takes a few leaps of faith on your pursuit of happiness and then some commitment and time.